i need to forgive and forget. maybe this is what it is all about.

if only i had a box of royce now.. if only....

Well.. this entry is probably long overdue but i guess since i am in a reflective mood, some blogging ought to be done.

Since I got back from Cambodia, never really had the chance to blog about the trip and properly think about things that happened. Really thankful that I had the chance to go to Cambodia. It was truly an eye opener, not just in terms of the usual poverty issue, but the true needs of the country and the cause of the current plight of Cambodia.

The Khmer Rouge that involved mass killing of educated people happened 30+ years ago, thinking about this, the leaders of all the countries around the world are people of that era. Cambodia has a severe lack in people of that age, especially educated people of that age. The cruelty of mankind was displayed in it's full array. It's so scary to think about how savage man can be, how this world would be like without law, order and justice. Chaos emerges due to the lack of order, and chaos sparks off even more chaos, like how a wild fire spreads in a huge forest. Related to this, education is indeed very important. I am so thankful that Singapore's leadership emphasized so much on education, though sometimes it may seem a bit much, but i guess it's inevitable that meritocracy will prevail as all humans are innately competitive. Social pressure merely brings out the competitiveness, and i suppose different personalities and coping styles result in different severity of competitiveness. Competition is healthy in small amounts, but detrimental when excessive. It's the same for everything, just like the food we eat, eat in moderation and all will be well.

Back to Cambodia, I think the days spent were well planned despite the many changes. Sounds ironic, but it is main structure that was good. We were first exposed to the poverty, then to the health situation, visit to the childrens'home of Goducate where children are adopted and given education and shelter and love, and lastly, looking at the country Cambodia as a whole, visiting the killing fields and all.

What really blessed my heart was the R&R we had at siem reap, where we went to some exhibition on the Khmer tradition. Although the exhibition was about siem reap and all, my main take home message wasn't about Angkor Wat or Tonle Sap Lake. This exhibition was by an organisation made up of Cambodians, to help the less fortunate Cambodians. It is comforting to see a generation of people stepping up to serve their country's needs. There is hope for the children in the slumps, hope for those loitering on the streets, hope is out there, and we can do out part as well to help them.

Do check out Goducate website: www.goducate.org

A wordy post with no pictures coz i can't find my wire.. will try to find it and upload some pics!
More thoughts coming up!!

Interesting how the email came as a timely reminder that it is now time to reflect on the year that has just gone by. I am glad you sent it=) Many times we go through life without stopping and thinking about our actions, the consequences of our actions and how it impacts people around. Been thinking alot lately, and I figured that my favourite past time is thinking. Amazing what we can learn from just observing things around and connecting the dots in our minds.

The trip to Cambodia was a relaxing one, yet at the same time thought provoking. I am tempted to write out all my thoughts now but I need to search for the words to accurately express myself. I wish to find out more about the Khmer rouge after looking at how people are suffering from the consequences of the decision made by a group of people. The brutality of mankind yet on the other hand, the love of others. The simplicity of the many contrasted with the sophisticated history they have.

This video captures the memories, the song is yet again a reminder.

Often times an ostrich moment is one where we just wanna stick our heads into a hole because we are just too embarrassed. Ever wonder if there is an emo ostrich that sticks its head into the soil because it is wallowing in self pity? is that how emus came about? The emu is emo.

If i could be an animal, i'd be a hermit, hiding in my own shell doing my own thing, but i guess it gets pretty lonely in there, at least i have the other hermits that feel me.

Sometimes i think to myself, am i socially inapt? am i a boring person to hang around? do i really have true friends? am i being a good enough friend? How much more can i do or how much more is expected? can i live up to expectations? who am i? i wonder...

hiding so no one sees

It's just interesting how many times issues are so trivial yet we as humans put so much thought into it that it becomes something so complicated. A simple matter with some emotions added, some warped opinion often results in a huge ball of mess.

Is that why now we try to be simple, we shut ourselves out?

Many dreams, many things we want to achieve but often we are subjected to opinions of people around us, the temptation of luxury and being caught in this human rat race. Purity of heart, soul and mind will give us much faith to achieve what we set out to achieve but how many times are we able to block out other thoughts and truly focus on that one.

It's sad to see that there are so many people out there suffering in poverty. Global awareness is probably not the issue, the issue at the moment is probably ignorance. I am quite sure people do know of poverty but how many people really think about it and believe that they can do something about it. In a self centred world like the one we live in, even just talking to someone who is different from the main crowd is considered a good deed. Many times we look at the actions of people around us and think "i can never do that, i really admire that person for____". I guess it's a matter of perspective, why can't we just see that if someone else can do it, we can do it too. Sure we are all made different but I don't believe we are made to be self centred or to be bad. That is not planned, it is under the influence and cynicism of the world that we slowly take steps back and never ever want to entertain those nice thoughts. It's sad that even the choice to take steps back is one that is self centred, although it can be seen as a form of self protection.

Oh well.. studying has taken its toll on me and I really just wanna sit in the garden and just think about stuff. A little reflection won't harm, but complicating things would be potentially dangerous. I want to pursue my dream but the many obstacles in the way can be deterring and sometimes i doubt if this dream is from You. Help me please.

sometimes i wish the world was a simple place.. or rather that i didn't think that much.
many times i wanna break out of this rejection, but most of the time i fiind myself succumbing to it.
thinking positive to keep myself going works but often times i hit a really low point as i take time to just think bout stuff.
why is it that i am here? an answer i know and i always tell myself but do i REALLY believe it?
sometimes i wished i never achieved so i would be happy with what i have, but i can't help but want to be achieving.
sometimes i wished i never grew up in a meritocratic society, but then again, i can't help it.
sometimes i wonder why i am working so hard, whether it's all worth the hard work and this gets me all the time. i just wanna give it all up.
often times i see how many ppl has wishes come true and that makes me wonder, what have i done to not have anything i really want.
sometimes i wonder what exactly i am called to do.

and now of all times, i need to stop thinking so much.

Ever wondered if you were weened away from your parents since you were the age of about 7? placed under crazy dictatorship and then break free at the cost of never returning home then finally seeing your parents once again after SUPER LONG? The nightmares about killings, deaths, shame, humiliation.

I really do admire the mother who stood up for herself and her child. How can we blame a parent for bad upbringing when the child was taken away from her at a super young age? mmmm sth to think about..

It's just sad watching all these oppressed people waiting to break free. Sometimes it only takes one with courage to step out of the cycle to make a statement and to let others realize that they have been living in delusion. Time to embrace the real world yo!

Just a simple thought, are we willing to be that courageous one to be different in this society that values money and material? Are we willing to in a way start a revolution? How much does it take and how much are we willing to give?

Something on friday night by matt got me thinking... what really belongs to you. time? belongs to God. money? belongs to God. talents? belongs to God. and the list goes on..
It's interesting to take a step back and really think about how we've been so stingy bout these things that are freely given to us. Since that has been on my mind, i took a HUGE step of faith and I hope God delivers me through..

Today in church, the message was about courage, many times we do know what we are suppose to do and we do want to reach those destinies but often times we back out, chicken out. I want to fulfill my destiny, I want to know clearly what it is. I want to be courageous. Many uncertainties ahead, many choices in life to make but this will never end, what choice is made will someday reward us if we made the right choice and the wrong ones will haunt us for life. However, whether or not we let the bad choices haunt us is a choice in itself. OVERWHELMING CHOICES!!!

I want to do what is right and I want to dream again, believe again and fulfill that destiny. God, help me.

As a friend rightly says, "life is simple but people make things complicated." It's so true that life is actually made simple just that we as human cannot help but complicate matters.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Right now i wish i didn't have a choice and things were just fixed. It's when choices are made available that humans show their true self and end up complicating matters.

Wouldn't it be nice to just be happy everyday not having to think about serious issues, not having to deal with problems thrown at you, not having to deal with internal struggles, not having to live a roller coaster life?

I wish i didn't have to deal with all these emotions and that i can return to being my old rational self, less emotional and just living in my own world.

Being deaf is actually a good thing sometimes especially when you don't have to listen to things you don't want to hear.

Sometimes it's good to just keep silent.

First birthday overseas, though nice to receive many wishes and having many people to celebrate with.. i miss having the company of the four of you.. as i sat there in the restaurant, i really wished you guys were there with me. I know things were not intentional but i guess at that time emotions got the better of me. Not that much that people weren't really there but i really was missing you guys.. i hope you know who you are.. Sometimes even when you stand in a crowd, you really feel all alone and isolated from the world. Possibly how i felt today. Some disappointments in life but i won't let it get me!

I guess it's not just the birthday part that was bad but i said things i shouldn't have said.. can't really take those back.. just gotta put them behind and look forward. I don't really know how it really affects our friendship but i'm quite sure it has a significant influence. oh well...

I guess this is the best i can ask for. I am really glad that there are people i actually can spend time with today amidst these small little wrecky things.

Totally embarrassed myself yesterday at the petrol kiosk with my $1.60 worth of petrol.. hahahha how i wish they had ppl to pump petrol for you here.. high labour cost=((( oh well... cell retreat was extremely fun and it was great that we all did things spontaneously and with much enthusiasm... i sure learnt sth about food.. not to put in too much effort because it really doesn't really matter.. it's the company=))

The hols are coming to an end=(( it's so sad.. i wish i had more time to just relax.. i wish i didn't have school.. i wish that i was back home... i guess this is me being slighly home sick.. bahh...

i miss all my friends.. shuj, litz, siya, pong... i miss all of you!!! i hope we talk soon...

several things on my mind.. i really just wanna take time off and just go around and admire the scenery and enjoy nice weather... watching life go by... i crave serenity..

When everything seems to be wrong, it's time to refocus.. vision is getting fuzzy and we just need new glasses to see the world better.. i need to put on new glasses to see things better, in a different perspective, a clear one.

i wanna go home=( sometimes i wish i didn't have to come here. i'd rather be somewhere else in the world or even back home.

If only....

" you have been blessed, so do your best to bless God"

How simple yet we seem to never apply it...

God the builder, CAN HE FIX IT?
God the builder, YES HE CAN!

Hmm.. just randomly bob the builder came to my mind and incidentally, God the builder sounds so right and so true.. Indeed God, the builder of our lives can fix anything and everything that's wrong=) Trust.

wouldn't it be nice if the world was cadbury, driving in a car would be a tasty treat, changing gear would soon become a problem, cadbury dairy milk is so good to eat...

wouldn't it be nice if life was all sweet, creamy and chocolatey and exciting. Hmm.. but i guess at times when all is going smoothly and seemingly wonderful, something appears and we can't change gears in time and we crash. That's how accidents happen, at the most unexpected time, when we are in a state of satisfaction and laid back coz we think all is going well.. mmmm always be ready i suppose. Is it good to never be contented? I suppose, it is then where we are open to changes and all..

Looking around, sometimes we wish things were the same for ourselves but i guess everything in its time, no point rushing... highway is extremely dangerous and accident prone. When you are not careful, you will just crash, literally.

Completely unrelated, the medal yesterday, the first ever in a new sport=) i think i found some love in the sport! AHHAHA passion driven by performance? yes no maybe?

Hmm indeed the more you force yourself to do work over a short period of time, pressure builds up and then we feel stressed. What an apt principle of physics man!

So glad that this busy period is momentarily over but i know i have to gear up and start working hard for the following weeks. Time is passing extremely quickly!!

I wanna be a dreamer and I want You to show me how my dreams can be fulfilled.
Live your dream.

It's just interesting when we take a step back and actually think about things that happen around us. How a person is wired cannot be fully understood by another human being no matter how long we know that person or how close we are in terms of the information we share. Is it better to take things as it is and not think too much about it since in that case, there's no skepticism and hence lesser conflicts. But maybe it's just us to want to be retrospective, to relook at events and try to find faults with our simple reasoning. Sometimes doubt arise because of what others say and also because things just don't really seem to make sense and we don't really quite know how to explain it. Hmm... such is human nature. Humans are indeed difficult to read and definitely impossible to predict.

Increased contact with a person can lead to intimacy but i guess at times, increased contact increases exposure to danger such as conflict. Well.. really do have lots of things going on in my head. Some doubts and many uncertainties. Can one be absolutely objective in a situation where a close friend or relative is involved? I'm not entirely sure about that but I guess it boils down to trust and also faith.

What the year ahead holds for me, I don't really know but I want the best out of it and I know only You can help me through all these.

I don't really want to doubt you but circumstances cause me to...

Hmm just completed the jap drama 1 litre of tears. what an apt name. Well.. it's really quite a touching film but I guess there's more to the film than crying because it is oh-so-touching.

Well, so basically the lead actress has got spinocerebellar degeneration and hence from an athelete and a bright student, she slowly became bed-ridden and eventually died. Although she could barely speak or move, her cognitive processes were still functioning normally. One thing you can really see in that character is tenacity and the will to fight on. Though she did cave in at the end, amongst the many other down-lows she had, it really isn't easy. Throughout the show, she just kept thinking about the future, about how she can work towards the future and predicting how it'd be like. At the end of the day, she did realise that she should live for the present.

How true is that? Why do we keep living in the past or even trying to live for the future. Since we are now in the present, we ought to live IN the present. So many things we can be thankful about in life, even the fact that our heart is still beating. Death is a morbid topic that most people avoid but we do have to realise that someday we have to face it right? And many people want the assurance of going to a better place after death, after they leave the world of suffering. Can you be absolutely sure of where you'll go? I know I can be absolutely sure.

Another character in the drama, a male who had little hope in life and in saving lives, gradually changed as he observes the actions of the girl. Living out the truth indeed is a great way to testify!

Time and time again in the drama, the doctor in charge of the case has been asked or has asked the question "Why neurology?" or "Why be a doctor?" Well, I guess every doctor has their own reasons for becoming one. THe answer "To help people" may sound boring or overused but I think it is probably the truth for many. As I saw the doctor's concern for the patient and his determination to find a cure for this incurable disease. It really sets me thinking about what a career like that would entail and how fulfilling it can be yet at the same time, how devastating and discouraging it is to see that there's nothing one can do to help because we just do not know enough.

Is it true that the older we get, we seem to know lesser? Is that becasue we start to be skeptical? Or because we are just more capable of asking questions and crave for more certainty? Can there ever be absolute certainy?

Awesome and great God we all have=)) One answered prayer and I believe many more to come. Man of little faith I was, what a timely reminder. Thank God for all the wonderful ppl in urbs!!! Am deeply blessed=)